Your Yapline and You

Posted on October 8, 2005 by Jenna

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In a yapline, each additional dog increases signal clarity but adds a delay (the yapline cerebration constant) equal to the mean processing time for a yappy dog’s brain. Thus traditional yapline architectures are a tradeoff between dense dog lines, which maximize clarity by ensuring that each dog can hear and reply to the yapping with 99% accuracy, and attenuated yaplines, which maximize efficiency by placing each dog and its signal delay at the maximum practical unit yapline range.

One augmentation that can increase the efficiency of a yapline without degrading signal clarity is the yapline hat. These are large hats that are placed on the dog’s head. One can hang signs from these hats such as “good dog” or “yap harder,” encouraging the dog. Alternately, when a yapline component proves faulty, this can be indicated on the sign to facilitate repairs. One must be very careful when writing on these signs as they have a limited amount of space and it is very embarrassing for both the operator and the dog if one scrunches letters together at the end of the sign.

One can further augment yapline components by adding tweeters—normally small tweeters such as finches and larks—to its yapline hat. Tweeters are naturally Internet-enabled and can bridge yaps from local yaplines across the Internet to yaplines anywhere in the world.

The mechanism for operating a tweeter is clicking. The operator clicks on a tweeter to open a new window. The tweeter flies into the window. THUMP! This causes the person inside to open the window. The tweeter then connects to that person’s Internet and broadcasts appropriate yapping. This is something that base yapline components cannot do because neither dogs nor hats can type.

To determine which kind of yapline is right for you it is best to consider the scale of your application. Small, backyard yaplines are generally best served by dense dog lines or even clusters. As your needs escalate, it becomes important to seek out first yapline hats, then tweeters, then google-equipped tweeters. For a multi-state yapline most experts recommend seeking professional help, as the exigencies of such situations defy traditional advice.