Posted on September 11, 2004 by Jenna

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In the beginning was only Ronald Reagan. He was primordial and without form. Then came George Bush. Ronald Reagan and George Bush intertwined and formed the three bureaus of government: the Hecatonchire, the Cyclopes, and the Titans.

The Hecatonchire had fifty heads and one hundred hands. The people called it the Senate.

Each Cyclops had a single eye. Each copied its eye onto the currency of the realm, setting it within a mystic pyramid. This let the Cyclopes watch the entire world. The people called them the Department of the Treasury.

The Titans copulated with one another to create the streams, the rivers, the sun, and the moon. No one was ever sure what one could properly call a governmental division of this nature. The matter was ultimately left unresolved.

Bill Clinton led the Titans. He was sometimes called “Blue Titan,” because blue was the color of his mecha. He valued the streams, the rivers, the sun, the moon, and copulation. Discontent with George Bush’s rule, he made an adamantine saxophone and used it to strike away George Bush’s potency. Many believe that Monica Lewinsky was born from the blood and foam that poured forth that day. Bill Clinton then claimed rule over the world as his own. No other Titanomech could “form the head” when the Titans assembled.

George Bush cursed Bill Clinton. “A son of these my loins,” he swore, “shall rise to cast you down and claim your throne.”

This troubled Bill Clinton. He became fearful. Lest they provide Bush’s son with powerful weapons of war, he locked the Cyclopes deep beneath the Earth. Lest they trouble him in the future, he ate all of George Bush’s children. Yet there was one whom his wife Hillary would not let him eat.

“He is becoming portly,” she said, worriedly. So when he captured George Bush the Second and planned to eat him, Hillary substituted textured soy protein. She hid George Bush the Second away, lest Bill discover her crime. The boy grew to manhood. When he felt strong enough, he cut Bill Clinton’s stomach open, freed his siblings, and claimed power for his own.

“Power is lonely,” said George Bush the Second. So he visited Dick Cheney in the form of a shower of gold. “Be my Vice-President,” he said.

Thus ends the story of the Titanomachy.