The Weather Channel Goes the Way of MTV

Posted on January 25, 2005 by Jenna

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The ninjas ghost across the screen. They run on rooftops under gray skies. They wear black.

Each ninja is labelled. One ninja has the current weather in Ontario on his chest. He is the 23 degrees fair ninja. Another ninja has the current weather in West Palm Beach. He is the 38 degrees sunny ninja.

West Palm Beach ninja looks, as he runs from roof to roof, like he would rather be the 23 degrees fair ninja, but then a ten-blade menorah sword rises through the roof under the 23 degrees fair ninja and murders him bloodily. Then suddenly being 38 degrees sunny is not so bad.

“I am Kang,” says Kang, casting the ninja’s corpse off of his ten-blade menorah sword as if it were no more than a single drop of blood. “Let me show you my invincible—”

Dubbed over him, “TORNADO WARNING”


“No,” says a voice. It is Ayela, stepping forward. She is the 42 degrees rainy ninja queen.

“No?” Kang asks. “You do not wish to see my invincible—”

Dubbed over him, “TORNADO WARNING”


“We studied from the same master,” says Ayela. “But he taught me the”

Dubbed over her, “FLOOD ALERT”


“It is a powerful style,” concedes Kang. “Let us fight to determine whose style is a more accurate severe weather outlook for the people of New York City.”

“I cannot,” says Ayela. “For if I should kill you, then I would kill the only living master of the”


“fist, and then my own style would be forever incomplete.”

Kang considers.

“I cannot let your ninjas run over the rooftops like this indefinitely. It is keeping me awake.”

“I did not intend to disturb your rest,” says Ayela. “That is why my ninjas run so quietly.”

“To a master of”


“kung fu, even the tread of a mouse makes an appalling racket!”

“Hm,” says Ayela. “Then I do not see how removing the ninjas would improve your situation.”

“It is true,” mourns Kang. “I was merely lashing out. It was a desperate cry for attention. I did not mean to deprive the citizens of Ontario of their regular weather update.”

“Death is as light as a feather,” says Ayela. She goes over to the fallen ninja, whose mangled chest now displays 24 degrees badly hurt. “Duty is heavy as a mountain.”

The ninjas run across the screen, but now Kang runs with them.