The Third Eye of Voles

Posted on December 10, 2004 by Jenna

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Voles don’t have their first two eyes. They are blind! They only have their third eye. It gives them powerful psychic insights. They call it the first eye.

(Is that insightful of them?)

Voles keep their third eye in their nose. It is the safest place! If it were in their abdomen they would look pregnant. People would always be prodding their third eye in hopes that it would kick. That’s not nice. If you’ve ever had someone stick their finger in your first two eyes, you know what that kind of thing is like!

If a vole’s nose is cold and wet, it means that the vole is healthy, happy, and precognitive. Precognitive creatures, contrary to television and cinema, generally have pretty good lives. Think of all the little choices a person screws up in their lives. Precognitive voles don’t have to do that! That’s why their noses are wet. It’s the snot of contentment.

Not every vole’s nose is cold and wet, though. Some are different!

If a vole’s nose is hot and wet, it means that the vole is happy but pyrokinetic. This isn’t the kind of vole you want to invite to a party. Its third eye burns with unholy fire. Sometimes it burns other things. That’s why its nose is so hot!

If a vole’s nose is ethereal and full of a ghostly beauty, it means that the vole is a channeler for powerful spirits. It probably has a spirit living in its nose! That accounts for the ghostly beauty.

If a vole’s nose and whiskers are not in the same place as the vole, the vole is a tentative teleporter. It does not teleport anywhere until it first teleports its whiskers to make sure it can fit. Cats also know this trick, but they never tell anyone. That’s because cats find their psychic powers supremely embarrassing. Just ask the Amazing Randi! They are always mortified after talking to him. They leave as soon as they can!

If a vole’s nose is frigid, it means that the vole is a medium and that there’s a deadly ghost right behind you. Don’t turn around. Just circle slowly around the vole. Then run!

If your nose is frigid, you might have a cold. Or you might be in the cold. Or it might just be your great compassion for medium voles! Try warming up your nose with compassion for small and large voles—it’s the best way to prevent disease!

If a vole’s nose doesn’t match the above criteria, but it still seems like it should mean something, then it’s probably an intuitive vole. Intuitive voles have a nonspecific psychic power. It’s a little like precognition, but then again it’s not! Intuitive voles choose well. That means that if you’re feeling its nose, it’s because the vole wants you to feel its nose—it’s probably getting more out of it than you are! That’s the price of being a psychic investigator.

Sometimes a vole sneezes out its third eye. It’s not too hard to fix this. Just hold the vole’s mouth closed and put the third eye back. It’s a wonderful way to get closer to nature and it makes a vole happy.

Everybody loves voles.