Posted on September 8, 2009 by Jenna

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The target drinks miso soup. This lightens the target’s heart and buoys their senses.

The target takes a bit of wasabi and puts it in a bowl. The target adds soy sauce. The target stirs until the wasabi is evenly distributed through the soy.

This is the correct moment in which to throw unagi shushiriken.

Unagi shushiriken uses electric eel. It may therefore electrify the target. The target convulses. One hand dips into the wasabi-soy mixture. Lightning plays across the surface of the soy. Then the target slumps.

It is traditional for the target to refresh themselves at this point with a bite of pickled radish, but it is also impossible.

If you use tamago shushiriken the target will have egg on their face.

Sometimes a ninja will have no access to sushi. In such a case it is traditional for them to go into a fit of rage and bread everything around them. This is known as a tempura tantrum.

Performed on a lover, this is instead tempura tantrick. It is called a trick because we do not bread the ones we love.

Some ebi shushuriken still has the head of the various shrimps attached. It is traditional for the ninja to remove the head of the shrimp and then the head of the target. If this order becomes confused comic eventualities may ensue.

A ninja may lose face by using dynamite roll shushiriken improperly. In such a case it is best to attach a new face using sticky rice and sometimes seaweed. Attaching a new face without using rice is the affair of sashimurai and is not appropriate for ninjas.

Fatty tuna shushiriken batters the target with blunt force. There is a widespread social prejudice against fatty tuna shushiriken. Certain ninjas believe that this emerges from unrealistic norms and a positive social delight in demonizing others. Other ninjas disagree. Both are in any case ruthless killers.

Mekajiki shushiriken is as sharp as a sword. Some ninjas use mekajiki shushiriken to kill their targets. Others say, “Wait, why not just use a sword?” This is the heart of most of the great ninja philosophical arguments. The remaining great ninja philosophical arguments concern brains in vats on trolleys making decisions through veils of ningjorance.

California roll shushiriken is not thrown. Rather it is rolled along the floor to the target. This shushiriken works best for assassinations in California. If you were to use california roll shushiriken in Montana everyone would look at you funny.

Mirugai shushiriken employs surf clams to ensure that a target either surfs or clams up. The other role is taken by the ninja. This is another form of shushiriken best employed in California, but the requirement is less strict.

Tako shushiriken is actually a Mexican ninja weapon. Every now and then a Mexican ninja must travel to Japan to show disrespectful gringojin clans the true way of the tako shushiriken. The lesson is spicy but soon forgotten.

Tai shushiriken is made from sea bream. Often the target will not know they have been killed by the shushiriken for many days. Instead they walk around in a daze and wonder if it was all just a beautiful bream. Then they realize the truth and plummet dead into the sea. This is known as the “death touch,” but the ninja will not actually touch the target. That would be considered “unhygienic” and would detract from the target’s delicious shushiriken experience.

Everyone should have as delicious an experience as possible before they die, particularly if they are being killed by traditional Japanese assassins. That’s the firm resolution of a shushiriken ninja!