Rolled. Into. One.

Posted on January 3, 2004 by Jenna

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Killer bees kill. That’s their job. If they didn’t kill people, they couldn’t be killer bees. That’s the rule!

Robber bees steal. It’s pretty much the same job. It’s like robber barons. You have to assume that robber barons will steal stuff. They won’t kill you, but they’ll take the shirt off your back. It’s the same way with robber bees. They’re not killers, just thieves! It’s their honor.

Desolation bees leave you lonely. Do you ever find yourself sitting by the phone late at night, staring out the window? It’s raining? You drink hot chocolate, but it can’t soothe the loneliness in your soul? That’s probably because of a desolation bee.

Suicide bees kill themselves. They kill themselves in swarms. There aren’t many suicide bees. They don’t reproduce very often. Mostly, only failed suicide bees ever have kids. Genetics are against them. Each generation of suicide bees grows worse and worse. One day, they’re just going to give up and be masochism bees. Remember, the safeword is the honey dance!

Critical bees make incisive comments on the world around them. Have you ever done something really stupid and seen a bee nearby doing that dance? You know, the one that’s mocking you and your entire pathetic existence? That’s a critical bee. You can kill it if you want. It’s okay. It’s just a critical bee.

Web mining bees mine the web for useful data. When people steal your data with adware, they’re probably doing it on behalf of the web mining bees. It’s an annoying thing, but, let’s face it—they’re web mining bees. It’s hardcoded into their genetic makeup. If they had a choice they’d be incredibly wealthy hedonist bees instead.

Universe creating bees create universes. It takes one hundred bees to make a single universe. You should have known they were there. If you find a watch in the woods, you know it wasn’t chance, right? There was probably a watchmaker, right? And it’s the woods, so it’s probably a watchmaker bee. It’s the same way. There’s a universe. There have to be universe creating bees! That’s how one knows they’re out there. But it kills them. One hundred bees. One universe. One hundred deaths. That’s the rule. The bees don’t think it’s sad. They’re also joy in self-sacrifice bees. That’s the other side of their dismal coin!

Nonexistent bees aren’t real. It’s very important that you remember that. If you ever see a nonexistent bee, you’re just someone Hitherby Dragons made up. It’s tragic, but you know how it is! If you were a nonexistent bee, you’d harbinge fictionality too.

You’d harbinge fictionality, and you’d love it. You know you would.

It’d be like sex, chocolate pie, and bean bags.

All rolled into one.