Practical Matters Involving Salvation

Posted on December 31, 2003 by Jenna

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Hopping Vampire suffers a period of religious confusion. “I’m lost without faith, ” he says. He invites representatives of major religions to visit his home. Then he hides!

There’s a knock at the door. It’s a rabbi. He’s come to teach Hopping Vampire about Judaism. “Hello?” asks the rabbi. “Is there anyone here?”


“This rabbi’s blood is very Judaic,” says Hopping Vampire. “I can tell he had a powerful covenant with the God of Abraham. Maybe that means that Judaism is best.”

There’s a knock at the door. It’s a mullah. He’s come to teach Hopping Vampire about Islam. “Knock, knock,” calls the mullah. “Is ‘Hopping Vampire’ home?”


“This mullah’s blood is very Islamic,” says Hopping Vampire. “I’ve heard that the Qur’an is a work of perfect beauty. That might explain this delectable taste. I’d decided on Judaism, but now I’m not sure!”

There’s a knock at the door. It’s a brahmin. He’s come to teach Hopping Vampire about Hinduism. “Hello?” asks the brahmin. “Hopping Vampire?”


“This brahmin’s blood is very Hindu,” says Hopping Vampire. “I can practically taste the ritual purity of the religious caste! Judaism, Islam, Hinduism—there are so many options for a virtuous vampire! I feel Pascal’s Wager weighing on my soul.”


Pascal explains, “The idea is like this. It’s likely that there’s no God. It’s likely that we live in a meaningless and soulless universe. But can we afford to believe that? If God exists, this agnostic doctrine leads to endless torment. Who can afford to take that chance? You must choose a faith, Hopping Vampire, and you must choose wisely.”

“Pascal’s blood was very probabilistic,” says Hopping Vampire. “Very well! I’ll give him some credit. I won’t eat the next few visiting priests. But if they don’t convince me, I’ll eat the rest. I’ll still be damned, but I’ll also be stuffed!”

Hopping Vampire learned an important lesson! You shouldn’t waste priest meat. There are starving children in China. But if you eat all the priests, you’ll never find salvation!

Killing People is Rude

There’s a knock at the door. Hopping Vampire hides!

It’s a Taoist priest. He’s come to teach Hopping Vampire about the Way. “Hello?” he calls. “Hopping Vampire?”

What’s that behind his back? It’s exorcism tools! Hopping Vampire can tell. He’s too scared to come out, so the Taoist priest goes away. Hopping Vampire waits for an extra hour.


“Ha! That was a good pounce,” says Hopping Vampire. “If he’d still been here, I would have killed him for sure.” Hopping Vampire struts.

There’s a knock at the door. It’s a Christian priest. He’s here to teach Hopping Vampire about Christianity. “Mr. Hopping Vampire? Are you home?”

This time, Hopping Vampire doesn’t kill. Instead, he offers tea! “I’d like to know about your faith,” he says.

“God offers you eternal salvation in the Kingdom of Heaven,” explains the priest.

“Even though I’m a monstrous corpse animated by sun and moon spirits, driven to consume the blood of the living?”

“‘In my father’s house are many mansions,'” quotes the priest. “I’m sure there’s room for a hopping vampire. You can drink in bliss from the blood of the Lamb forever.”

“How will I get there?” asks Hopping Vampire. “I’m already dead—didn’t I miss my chance?”

“God is not stingy with his salvation,” explains the priest. “From your existence, I must assume that your higher soul has gone on to its just reward, but the lower soul that infects your rotten undead flesh and provides it with motive power may yet earn Heaven’s grace. All you have to do is love your neighbor, believe in Jesus, and make a sincere effort to stop killing and eating people. No matter how tasty and delicious they are.”

The priest didn’t actually say that last sentence. Hopping Vampire has an active imagination. Tasty? Delicious?


“This priest’s blood is very Christian,” says Hopping Vampire. “I can tell the principle of universal love burns brightly in his heart. But how does this compare to the religious qualifications of the other priests I’ve eaten?”

There’s a knock at the door. It’s a monk. He’s here to teach Hopping Vampire about Zen Buddhism. “Hey, Hopping Vampire! Stop skulking and come out!”

The monk must be a local! He’s got Hopping Vampire pegged.

Once again, Hopping Vampire doesn’t kill. He offers tea! It’s got special herbs grown from the blood of priests. It’s a theological-hematological brew! “I’d like to know about your faith,” he says.

The monk hits him with a stick. Hopping Vampire achieves enlightenment. Yay! It’s a happy ending. Then the monk shoots him with a flamethrower.

Bad monk! It’s rude to incinerate enlightened hopping vampires. Rude, rude, rude! You should know better.