October Stamps

Posted on October 23, 2004 by Jenna

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On October 4, Milton, MA released fifteen 37-cent commemorative stamps featuring various cloud formations. Place five stamps on the soles of each foot, two on the palm of each hand, and one on your forehead. Invoke them, crying, “Postage paid, supreme sovereign, in accordance with the statutes and ordinances!” This should allow you to walk on clouds.

On October 14, New York, NY released a 37-cent Madonna and Child stamp. Place this stamp on your belly button. Invoke it, crying, “Postage paid, supreme sovereign, in accordance with the statutes and ordinances!” This should allow you to walk on the Madonna and Child.

(Madonna and Child are not included. Some limitations may apply.)

On October 14, New York released a Hannukah stamp. This stamp does not allow you to walk on Hannukah. Instead, affix it to your dreidel. Cover “nun” if you want additional nuns. Cover “gimmel” if you find your life gimmel-deficient. Cover “sin” if you think using stamped dreidels in spiritual rituals is sinful. Cover “heh” if the idea amuses you. Spin the dreidel, crying out, “I have a little dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it’s dry and ready, then dreidel I shall play, promptly! Promptly! In accordance with the statutes and ordinances!” The results should meet all suitably limited expectations.

On October 16, Chicago, IL released a Kwanzaa stamp. This stamp allows you to harness the spiritual power of Kwanzaa. Like Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Ramadan, and all other holidays, Kwanzaa adapts the spiritual traditions of early Goddess-worshipping matriarchal societies. Placing this stamp on your shoulder and invoking the gatekeeper spirits of Kwanzaa gives you access to ancient Goddess wisdom. Warning! Do not attempt this ritual.

On October 24, New York will release a Moss Heart stamp. Place this stamp on your heart. Cry, “Transform my heart into moss! Promptly, promptly!” This should efficaciously transform your heart into moss, facilitating the healthy emotional process of gathering on stones.

Remember: stamp collecting is fun and profitable for the whole family!

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Categories: Legends, Hitherby, Essays, Jesus, Hopping Vampire, and the Enemies of God

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S on November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am said:

On October 14, New York released a Hannukah stamp. … Cover “sin” if you think using stamped dreidels in spiritual rituals is sinful.

Yours works better, of course, but sadly, it’s the letter “shin” for “sham”, or “there”. Nun Gimmel Heh Shin stands for “nes gadol hayah sham,” or “a great miracle happened there [in Israel”>.” Dreidels (Yiddish), or s’vivonim (Hebrew), made in Israel have Nun Gimmel Heh Peh for “nes gadol hayah po,” or “a great miracle happened here.”

So… using stamped dreidels for rituals involving one’s shins? Sounds painful. I’d wear shin guards, like the soccer players! Football players, for you damned foreigners.

– S the Oft Pedantic –

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mineownaardvarks on November 30, -0001 at 12:00 am said:

Bwahahahahaha!

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