Posted on July 3, 2004 by Jenna

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Humans are mostly water. The oceans are mostly water. It is redundant for the world to have both. In future revisions of the universe, the Creator should pour humans into the ocean bed. Fish can swim in them, jumping from mouth to mouth. Coral reefs would be a fashion statement. When it is hot, humans could evaporate and become “cloud people.” They’d then freeze over the mountains and rain down as “snow people.” Geothermic activity would melt them, allowing them to run briskly down to the sea.

“Hi!” they’ll say. “Sorry about that. Water cycle.”

Everyone will nod understandingly.

There won’t be boats on the human ocean. Boats are redundant with currents. There will be an undertow. Sometimes animals will try to swim in the people. Then they’ll get pulled under! The current will rapidly convey them to a butcher, where they will be turned into fine meals. In addition, many vegetarians will drown hapless tofus to make Morningstar Farms meals.

T is for Tofu. Tofu goes “baa!”

The plaintive songs of the whales will sound through the deeps. Whales can live far under the ocean, where the humans are all squishy. They can do this because they’re hypothetical creatures. They exist entirely in the mind, and transmit themselves from mind to mind by plaintive songs. As proof, one need simply stroll through downtown Seattle, carefully looking for whales. They’re invisible! That’s because they’re in other people’s minds. There are also giant squids. Squids live in the heart. They have one tentacle per aorta. When the heart is full of sorrow, that’s not melancholy—that’s the squid plugging the aorta with tentacles and then jetting forth its ink!

The heart and mind are often enemies. When a squid meets a whale, they have to fight! These battles determine the course of human lives.

My housemate’s cool glass art is up at the pitcairn scott gallery at 2207 2nd Avenue (between Blanchard and Bell) in Seattle, Washington until July 31st. Do go see it if you’re in town.