Morpheus Explains The Qaballah¹

Posted on December 27, 2003 by Jenna

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1 requires basic familiarity with the Matrix.

“Rubber ducky, ” says Morpheus, “you’re the One.”

“Whoa,” squeaks the rubber ducky.

Morpheus gives the rubber ducky a pill. It opens the rubber ducky’s mind. Then sploosh! Morpheus fishes the rubber ducky out of the bathtub.

“Have I been in the bath all this time?” asks the rubber ducky.

“Yes,” says Morpheus grimly. “The machines have been using you and aromatic salts to improve their bathtime fun.”

“Those bastards,” squeaks the rubber ducky. “I wish I could kill them all.”

“You will.”

“Are you telling me that when I master the Matrix, I’ll have hands?”

“I’m telling you that you won’t need them.”

The rubber ducky squeaks happily. Morpheus hesitates. He wants to play with the One. After all, the bath is right there. Yet somehow he resists! He carries the ducky to freedom! Morpheus is a noble warrior of Zion.

“I have to take you to the Oracle to prove you’re the One,” Morpheus says. “Also, there’s a love interest you should meet.”

The rubber ducky hesitates a long moment. “Dude, I don’t have any way to consummate my love.”

“I loved someone once,” said Morpheus. “It was a pure and platonic love. Then the machines killed him.”

“That’s a downer,” concedes the ducky. It smiles. It can’t help it. It’s pretty much stuck in a permanent smile. It can’t even talk, really. Morpheus is pretty much just making that part up.

“Oh, cool!” exclaims Trinity. “Is that your rubber ducky?”

“This is the One,” says Morpheus. “He’s going to lead us to victory.”

Trinity reaches out and squeezes the One. Squeak! “Neat! Can I tell you a secret?”


“I was kind of down on rubber duckies when I was a girl. I thought they were just kid’s toys. But if this one’s going to defeat the machines and save Zion, I guess I was wrong!”

“You were very foolish,” says Morpheus. “Bath toys are the alpha and omega. They are the heart of all things. They are the sacred tree. They are the mystic bride of God.”

You tell her, Morpheus! That’s the way to enlighten your soldiers! But is there really truth in your gnostic prophecy?