Letters Column for December

Posted on January 1, 2004 by Jenna

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Thank you for your kind words,
Mack Knopf


Seems that Dog drowned in the river of sanctified rice.
–Jonathan Walton

Competition for slots in the zodiac’s pretty fierce. One cycle, Dog might get in. The next, Alien! Sometimes, things happen that way. I hear Hamburglar is thinking about heisting a slot come Maitreya’s age.


How does Jack Chick fit into all this?

He will be Hamburglar’s prophet.


[The driver who hit King Gordon XVIII] doesn’t know how to drive in snow or doesn’t know to not drive in snow?
— Brook

The former. While King Gordon XVIII (aka ‘Gordon The Magnificent’) is larger than a normal snowflake, his insides cannot contain a car. It’s possible that in a million years snowflakes might evolve into terrible kaiju capable of swallowing a Miata in one gulp. If this happens, tire chains are useful for additional traction.


The Message came across loud and clear.
— Dregg

I’m glad! I’m trying to be respectful of the various religious figures I invoke.


As luck would have it, my current lack of monkeys is the only thing keeping my soul from eternal damnation.
— yami mcmoots

There’s really nothing I feel I need to add to this.


One can only wonder what the witch would have done with Speed Racer.
— S

“You’ll never defeat my candy corn boxcar,” cackles the witch. “But just to be sure, I’ll lock you in this cage and fatten you up!”

“You shouldn’t drive a candy corn car,” exclaims Speed. “Once you’ve eaten all the instrumentation, you’ll be too hyper to use the brake! I should know! That’s how my brother died!”

The witch closes her eyes. She sheds one soda water tear. She might be evil, but she honors Speed’s tragedy!

“When I cook and eat you,” whispers the witch, “you will taste bitter and sweet.”


you, Rebecca, are the avatar and distilled essence of the universe itself!
— Ilanin

Darn it! Clark *promised* these glasses would protect my secret! Super-hypnotism, thou vain and mesmeric dream of sanctuary, why dost thou desert me now?


I am having difficulty imagining how a spectral grasshopper with no legs can fire a handgun, let alone chirp.
— rmaleski

From www.medterms.com:

Phantom limb syndrome: The perception of sensations, usually including pain, in an arm or leg after the limb has been amputated. The brain still gets messages from the nerves that originally carried impulses from the missing limb. Phantom limb syndrome is relatively common in amputees, especially in the early months and years after limb loss.”

Does that help?


I have another theory:
— edomaur


Can you substantiate this at all? I’m not a big fan of unfounded speculation—it can get perfectly innocent blond-haired vixens hauled off by Scientific Community Goons to their special antarctic prison facility. Or so I hear.


You would think God would be tougher.
— Shaun

Do we know whether he’s evolved to his ultimate form?


Er, just because Buddha achieves enlightenment it doesn’t remove Mara from the world.
— Alexander Williams

The Buddha achieved enlightenment. This precipitated deadly Nirvana radiation in all directions. It wasn’t Gautama’s insight into the nature of the universe that killed Mara—it was his lethal self-destruct technique! That’s why Martin lost the battle. When it comes to complex high-energy theology, it’s wise to take me on faith—arguing won’t get you anywhere!

That’s it for now! Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting—even if you didn’t get thanked for a compliment or picked for a specific response—and see you again this coming month!