It is the Doom of Man

Posted on January 12, 2006 by Jenna

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Sometimes it is hard to get Vanilla Coke.

However anyone can add vanilla to their own Coke. It is also possible to add crispy noodles, tuna, or beef.

Beef Coke is best.

Beef Coke is much higher-protein than regular Coke. It builds strong muscles. Even after you lose your teeth from drinking too much Beef Coke, you’ll be able to chew through steel with your powerful jaws and gums.

It is not possible to get mad cow disease from a Coke. Even if the Coke has beef that is made from mad cows, the disease is not mad cow disease. Instead it is mad Coca-Cola disease. Instead of a progressive degeneration in your brain, you find yourself jumping about athletically while shouting things like, ‘Coke is It!’

(This is why it is so much better than mad Pepsi disease, the tragedy of a new generation. People who get mad Pepsi disease die as the skin sloughs off of their bones, leaving only the grinning ghouls you see in the Danse Macabre. The difference is the lovingly crafted beet sugar.)

People who get mad Coca-Cola disease often attract media attention because they jump and cavort so recklessly. To minimize this the Coca-Cola Corporation sends out unmarked limousines filled with black-suit-clad Coca-Cola operatives who seize the affected individual from the street and drag them away into perpetual indenture. This is legal because nobody is going to challenge Coca-Cola and risk excommunication by the popular soft drink company.

The kidnapped diseased citizens are taken to a small island in the Bahamas where they dance endlessly, shouting paeans to their bubbling God, and star in occasional extravaganza commercials. Life for them is an endless joyous revel ungoverned by the laws of the United States and its territories. In this fashion does the sickness produced by feeding cows to other cows and then mixing the result with high fructose corn syrup, water, caramel, caffeine, cocaine (with the druggy part extracted and fed to different cows), and phosphoric acid become a transcendent universal meditation.

In the 22nd century, Coca-Cola’s executive laboratories will refine a strange syrup from the blood of mad Coca-Cola disease sufferers. This they will dub “midichlorians”—a drug capable of putting anyone in touch with the universal life force. That’s the secret Coca-Cola won’t tell you—it’s not long long ago! It’s not far far away! The Star Wars universe is a bitter vision of our own future: a galaxy where the power of Coke has usurped the Dao and the monstrous ghost of George Lucas forces his dialogue into every living mouth!

Drink Coke. Revel in it, while ye may.

It is the doom of man.