Important Facts about Egypt

Posted on May 12, 2005 by Jenna

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Egypt is not the only country where gingerbread men have taken over the afterlife. In fact, swarms of gingerbread men have taken over just about every afterlife in every major religion. This makes things very different!

In Western Hell the gingerbread men put little hats on people. They also dip them in boiling brimstone. The people often escape their gingerbread masters. The people shout, “Run, run, little gingerbread clods! You can’t catch me! I’m forsaken by God!”

The gingerbread men give chase. “Your conclusion does not follow from your premises!” they shout.

This is correct.

In Chinese Hells, things are different. Chinese Hells are not about being forsaken by God. They’re about working out a burden of karma. The gingerbread men like to help people work out their karma by strapping them to white-hot iron pans. Then they stuff raisins into the victim’s eyes and cherries up the victim’s nose. This isn’t much better or worse than a typical pre-gingerbread takeover Chinese Hell.

Chinese Heavens are pretty cool. There’s the Heaven of Getting Lots of What You Want. There, people want gingerbread men! It’s not so much a consequence of the gingerbread takeover as an inevitable accompaniment—it’s part of the metaphysical structure of that Heaven that if the gingerbread men are going to take over, people are going to have to want them to!

There’s also Million Zany Prophet Heaven. Million Zany Prophet Heaven is filled with one million zany prophets who preach various futures all the time. It is a good heaven with many pleasures but more cacophanous than the Endless Perfect Sea Heaven. Now seven hundred thousand zany prophets are gingerbread men and they take turns predicting the ultimate destiny of runaway gingerbread men on Earth.

“The fox’ll get ‘im,” preaches one zany prophet.

I think he’ll bring peace to the Middle East,” suggests another.

At this point, one of the human prophets tries to speak up. But the gingerbread men just talk right over the human prophet! That’s one of the rudest habits gingerbread people have.

Like Really Good Chocolate Heaven is like really good chocolate. Souls who come to Like Really Good Chocolate Heaven often say, “Wow, this is better than sex.” White chocolate is not really chocolate and so there is no Like Really Good White Chocolate Region in Like Really Good Chocolate Heaven. Gingerbread men cannot really improve Like Really Good Chocolate Heaven, but they also don’t hurt it much, so, like the Chinese Hells, this is pretty much a wash.

Gingerbread men cannot really take over the Dominionist Heaven because it is run by a notionally omnipotent God. However because they are in a state of entire sanctification they can do whatever they want there and no one can really protest. They often draw fake moustaches on the saints and slur the tetragrammaton to YV, which drives seraphic grammarians positively insane.

In Hades people shuffle around. Everything tastes of dust. Even for the gingerbread men it is very sad. That is why they host the gingerbread gala there every year—it’s so boring being dead! What else are they going to do?

In the Egyptian afterlife the gingerbread men weigh people’s hearts against feathers. But they’re not entirely sure where to go from there. So they stick the heart on a stick and roast it. Then they put it on a graham cracker and remove the stick. They put a Hershey’s chocolate bar on top and then another graham cracker. This makes a delicious s’more. “Mm, mm,” say the gingerbread men. “Let’s have s’more!”

They make another s’more out of the feather. They eat it. The soul watches them in a kind of dumbfounded horror. It’s entirely unsure of whether it’s passed the test.

“Well, go on,” say the gingerbread men. “Go to … an eternal reward or something. Git!”

The Egyptian gingerbread men don’t care as much about people as the gingerbread men in other afterlives because in Egypt the gingerbread men have their brains and hearts pulled out through their nose during the baking/mummification process. Also, in Egypt, cats are considered sacred!