(Hitherby Christmas Special: 2005)

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And lo, unto the people of Seattle there came an angel;

As they tended to their coffee and their bug reports and their unsanctioned fraternity riots;

With great light and heat it came, so that the unworthy were driven before it and even the worthy fell down onto the ground;

But it said, “Fear not.”

It stood as tall as a billboard, almond-colored, clad in white, with flowing hair and in its hand a trumpet. It stood amidst I-5, and the cars were stilled before it; and not even the ambulances moved, until some distant blasphemous reflex jolted the drivers back into action and they swerved around its feet and drove on.

The radiance of the angel was that hard radiation that brings no cancer;

That searing power that kills only the unneeded cells, and leaves one thinner, calmer, and more fit;

Though sometimes with less hair and with chills that come and go for the next six or seven days.

And the angel said, “This day comes unto you a giant lizard from the Sound. Now go and give homage to it, and stand not by the Space Needle.”

For it is a certain thing, when giant monsters parade through Seattle, that something will topple the space needle; it is as certain as the death of Tokyo Tower, the crumbling of the Sphinx, or the cracking of the Taj Mahal.

And the spirit of the angel moved in the stomachs of those who looked on;

And queasy, they raced towards the water from which the sacred lizard would be born;

And they brought to it their offerings: their vanilla frappucino, their Microsoft PowerPoint, and Steve and Beth’s nascent plans for a cool UW riot/kegger party/Christmas celebration, and they sang:

Frappucino to offer have I,
Caffeine and sugar my sacrifice,
Go go Godzilla, this drink’s got vanilla,
It’s certain to open your eyes.

PowerPoint I bring as my gift
I’ll surrender my slides so that others may live
Don’t just roar in frustration, do great presentations
And bring on a paradigm shift.

Born a King with fiery breath
He stomps on Steve and he stomps on Beth
Fuck O’Reilly but praise God highly
Godzilla brings fire and death.

And they lay their offerings before the great lizard, and said, “On this day is born one who will be King of the kaiju.”

And Godzilla moved on the water. There spread across Seattle a great tide of peace as the city lay down its burdens and submitted itself unto the King.

And what of Christmas?

Well, some say that the Christmas spirit is not directly tied to who wins a reader poll or whether Seattle is decorated in candy canes or footprints. Some say that it’s not about words or presents but about charity, hope, love, and the courage to honor even the meanest among us as equal to ourselves.

These people are being silly.

If they want that courage, they’re going to have to find it on their own. Godzilla totally pwned Christmas. It wasn’t even a contest.

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