(History: Boedromion 15) Round Man vs. Manners

Posted on September 19, 2005 by Jenna

← Previous | Next →
← Previous Canon Entry | Next Canon Entry →

This is a history of Round Man.

It is the beginning. There is no before. If there is something that precedes the beginning, Round Man does not know of it.

Round Man cannot know of it.

The before that is forgotten is indistinguishable from the before that was not there.

Round Man’s world begins with chaos. It is the chaos that dwells outside the light cone of his world. His world emerges from that chaos and he is alive.

His life is full of trouble.

Here is why Round Man’s life is full of trouble. He is married to Chaos Woman. She is always telling him things.

Like, “Don’t eat that! That’s your child!”

Or “Stop cohabiting with dead things like that.”

Or “Please don’t bother me when I’m turning into a wolf. It is already very difficult.”

(Which it is.)

This kind of thing always embarrasses Round Man. He feels strange because Chaos Woman knows him. She knows the truth about his failings and also about his virtues. This makes him acutely self-aware.

Self-awareness is awkward. So you can see why Chaos Woman is no end of trouble.

Round Man has a dog.

The dog barks. The dog wags its tail happily. Then one day a person breaks the dog by hitting it with a spear.

“No!” says Round Man.

The dog makes a whining noise. It wriggles unhappily. It is dead.

“I will fix you,” says Round Man.

Round Man operates on the dog.

“I will give you lasers,” says Round Man. “But you must promise not to use them unless it is important.”

So Round Man gives the dog lasers and brings it back to life. It’s just like the opening credits of the six million dollar man!

That’s why dogs have lasers but hardly ever use them.

One day Round Man is walking with his dog. He is chewing on a piece of someone. He has an insight.

“This person does not taste right. This is not a person for eating!”

He looks around.

In every direction he can see people who are not being used in the proper fashion. There are skilled hunters who are living in the fields eating grass. There are inventive geniuses relaying sunlight from place to place by hand. There are cows lording it over people from their blood-drenched thrones.

So Round Man says, “Let things happen in a fashion that is more appropriate.”

Now hunters hunt. Geniuses think. Cows go, “Moo!”

So Round Man is very pleased. He thinks Chaos Woman will be pleased too.

But his dog is looking at him.

His dog isn’t pleased.

It is whining again. It is looking terribly betrayed.

“Huh?” says Round Man.

The dog leaves him. It goes to a bleak and distant land.

Sometimes it’s okay to rebuild a dead dog with cybernetic parts. Sometimes it’s not. But it’s never appropriate for the dead to stay with the living.

You can even ask Ann Landers!

She’ll tell you the same thing!