Don’t Forget Your Infinite Mercy, Kwan-Yin!

Posted on December 12, 2003 by Jenna

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Donning her mantle of infinite mercy, her majestic aura radiating unconquerable love for all living things, Kwan-Yin jogs onto the stage and faces the cameras.

“Hi folks!”

“HI KWAN-YIN!” roars the audience.

“Today we’re cooking with Leviticus!”

The audience screams its insatiable appreciation for all cooking bodhisattvas. Go audience! To cheer like that makes a bodhisattva glad!

“Leviticus 4 is a very important chapter,” says Kwan-Yin. “It shows us how to prepare a young bullock for consumption by the LORD!”

The audience looks confused.

“But if you don’t have the LORD handy, a properly sacrificed young bullock also feeds ten! It’s the ultimate party snack—it tastes great and it cleanses sin!”


The prompter signals the audience: BOUNDLESS JOY IN KWAN-YIN’S COOKING EXCELLENCE.

The audience engages in boundless joy in Kwan-Yin’s cooking excellence! Can even Kwan-Yin’s deep awareness of suffering withstand such endless ebullience? No gentle bodhisattva could have a heart of stone!

“Let’s see,” says Kwan-Yin. “‘If a priest that is anointed do sin according to the sin of the people; then let him bring for his sin, which he hath sinned, a young bullock without blemish unto the LORD for a sin offering.'”

“BAM!” shouts the audience.

“Well, do we have any priests in the audience today?” asks Kwan-Yin, her eyes shining with luminous dedication to helping others and preparing a damn fine bullock. “Particularly any SINNING priests?”

A young man bounds to his feet, beaming. “I couldn’t help it, all-glorious bodhisattva Kwan-Yin! The accidental properties of material life led me astray!”

“Rock on,” says Kwan-Yin, who approves of audience participation and who, besides, thinks the young man is rather hot.


The audience immediately forgives the sinning priest for all his venal incidents. Such ready clemency displays their qualities of greatness!

“‘And he shall bring the bullock unto the door of the tabernacle of the congregation before the LORD; and shall lay his hand upon the bullock’s head, and kill the bullock before the LORD.'” Kwan-Yin beams. “Sounds like a plan!”

Radiant with her all-embracing charity, Kwan-Yin assumes the bullock-summoning stance. Pow! A bullock tumbles into the room.

“This isn’t the bullock we practiced on,” says the priest, uncertainly.

“That one turned out to be a freak mutation with human-level intelligence,” Kwan-Yin says, a broad gesture indicating her love for all hyperintelligent quadrupeds. “We couldn’t very well sacrifice him for ratings.”

“He’ll at least be on a spinoff show?”

Kwan-Yin smiles enigmatically. Who can comprehend the infinite mysteries of the universe?

The prompter flashes: REMIND PRIEST ABOUT COOKING.

“Hey!” shouts a young woman. “Shouldn’t you be killing the bullock before the LORD?”

“Right!” says the priest, and snaps into action. His silvered katana Starwind jumps into his hands, thrumming with suppressed energy. With one stroke, he cuts the bullock’s neck!

“Meee,” declares the bullock, somewhat distressed, and dies.

“Okay!” said Kwan-Yin. “Now you take of the bullock’s blood, and bring it to the tabernacle of the congregation. Then you dip your finger in the blood and sprinkle it seven times before the LORD, before the veil of the sanctuary.”

“BAM!” shouts the audience.

“Don’t worry if you don’t know how to do this,” says Kwan-Yin, her transcendent compassion fanning out in all directions. “I’ve already pre-mixed the veil of the sanctuary.”

Oh no! The sinning priest got bullock blood on his lip. He’s tasting it now. There’s a mad gleam in his eyes!

“I won’t stop with just the bullock!” exclaims the priest. “I’ll kill the audience too, and make you mortal sacrifice!”

The prompter flashes: SCREAM AND RUN AROUND.

The audience, startled despite their prior knowledge of the priest’s sinful nature, screams and runs around in panic.

“That’s the problem with cooking shows in the Latter Days of the Law,” says Kwan-Yin, magnificent in sorrow.

The prompter flashes: COMMERCIAL and the world fades to dark.