Diverting, of Necessity, to Sports Commentary, before Hitherby Resumes

Posted on February 4, 2006 by Jenna

← Previous | Next →

It’s hard to say, as the Superbowl approaches, which city would be the greater sacrifice.

If the Steelers win and the beast of football consumes Seattle, then we will lose Starbucks, Pike Place, and a large number of Microsoft employees. Furthermore throughout the coming year the beast of football will have the space needle caught in its throat. This will prove embarrassing when it interacts with other devastations.

That aspect of Shiva that exists amidsts endless sheets of flame in the darkness beyond the world, blue, four-armed, with ripped jeans and horns, might say, “Ha! You’re choking on retro-futurism!

Or the speculative anti-savior developed in the degenerate liberal physics laboratories of San Francisco could lecture it, saying, “This is what happens when you eat Seattle. That’s why I don’t eat Seattle. Spit it out already.”

Then it could burp Pike Place scents onto the anti-savior as part of a new, festive post-Superbowl tradition.

If the Seahawks win and the beast of football consumes Pittsburgh, we will lose the Heinz Foundation and the CMU Robotics Institute. This will make it much harder for ordinary American citizens to eat crunchy fried robots with ketchup. In addition, the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra will slide down the beast of football’s throat into the terrible stomach stadium far below. This means that when the other devastations do their work the Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra will be unable to accompany them with skirls and peals of apocalyptic music.

The First Unmaker Policy Institute will have to issue carefully-worded annihilation missives without the traditional arpeggio of doom.

The pirluie that munches quietly from the zig-zag trees will lack its pastoral; and, should a chance moment of reflection or turpentine spilled upon its page transform it into a ravening theovore, the Orchestra will not play the death metal to which pirluies are at such times accustomed.

It is a hard choice for the beast of football and a hard choice for America; but still, better that either city go down than our football return to the soccer that it had been before John Quincy Adams enacted his hideous and necessary rite.