Posted on February 16, 2004 by Jenna
Dracula is undead. Dracula defied God.
Hopping Vampire is undead. Sun and moon spirits animated his exposed corpse. Dracula cannot go to China. If he did, sun and moon spirits would animate his corpse too. He’d still have defied God, so he’d still be Dracula. Only, now he’d be Hopping Dracula. It’s too embarrassing!
Zombies are undead. Traditional zombies are people who just think they’re dead. Modern zombies actually come back from the grave to eat people’s brains or defy thermodynamic laws. If they ate Hopping Dracula’s brains, he’d be even more embarrassed. He’d have to hop and drool. No one would be seduced.
Bunnies are undead. Shops sell bunnies to children. The bunnies bite the children. The children turn into bunnies. The parents give the bunnies back to pet shops. That’s how the pet shops profit! Bunnies won’t bite Hopping Dracula. Since he hops and is undead, they think he’s already a bunny.
Bunnies live in pet shops. Pet shops keep bunnies in the back. They’re not safe in sunlight. The bunnies wriggle their noses. They eat carrots. They think about eating human souls. Pet shops handle bunnies with special holy gloves. The gloves are blessed by a priest. This keeps the pet shop personnel safe. If you have blessed gloves, you can handle a bunny. You can also handle bunnies safely if you can make the symbol of the cross with your index fingers. You cross one finger over the other. This makes the bunny remember Jesus’ sacrifice upon the cross. The bunny hisses. It withdraws. The bunnies still blame the Romans for that. If you don’t have index fingers, the bunny will devour your soul. Count your fingers before confronting a bunny!
Jesus’ sacrifice seems to have been good for sinners but bad for the undead. It’s not clear. Bunnies and vampires aren’t reliable in matters of theology. No one knows why they fear the signs of God. Maybe they’re not scared of the sacrifice on the cross. Maybe they’re thinking of James. James was the strongest bunny hunter ever. He also hunted vampires. He beat them up with a giant depleted uranium cross. He left a trail of blood across Europe. This was from the bunnies, not the vampires. When he killed vampires, there was no blood. Vampires do not bleed when they die. Instead, they turn into insects.
James killed bunnies. This made them bleed and fear the cross. He also killed vampires. This made them fear the cross and turn into insects. Then James would squish the insects. The insects turned into paste. This is how James invented peanut butter. He gave the credit to his good friend George Washington Carver. No one would eat peanut butter if they knew a vampire hunter invented it. People have a weird investment in the origin of their food. Once it’s dead, it’s just protein, carbs, and fat. Vampires are dead. That’s why they’re just food. If they were alive, they’d be better for testing pharmaceutical products on.
Peanut butter has a lot of fat. This is because the peanut butter farms overfeed their vampires. They do not give them good quality blood. They give them only the blood that they can’t feed to real people. Also, they give them a lot of peanut butter made from the bad parts of other vampires. Stink bugs! It’s very gross. Then the vampires are herded to a special room. Bang! An automated depleted uranium cross hits them in the head. They die. Bugs run everywhere. You should only eat free range peanut butter. That’s more humane. The vampires roam happily in airy crypts. They eat only the healthiest blood. It’s taken from people who don’t have anything better to do. Then the vampires are humanely killed using Buffy. Vampires love getting killed by celebrities. It makes their eternal night.
Bunnies are not as excited about getting killed by celebrities. Of course, you don’t make peanut butter out of bunnies. Bunnies don’t turn into bugs when they die. Most turn into dead bunnies. A few turn into mutated dinosaurs. Once, James made a horrible mistake. He killed the Easter Bunny. Bang! Raar! James felt bad. “I’ve killed the sacred symbol of the resurrection. I thought I was just killing an ordinary bunny. I’m sorry, Easter Bunny!” Then he took the little mutated dinosaur to monster island. “Run free, little Godzilla! Run free!”
That’s exactly how it happened; and if you watched the History Channel, you’d know this stuff too.