Posted on June 25, 2004 by Jenna

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The first thing a civilized person learns to cook is tea.

The second is macaroni and cheese.

The third is bread. Bread is easiest to cook when it is already handy and pre-sliced.

The fourth is “otter pops.” You cut the end off of the otter. Then you freeze it. The flavor depends on the flavor of the otter. If you want a chocolate otter pop, feed the otter chocolate. If you want cheese, feed the otter cheese. If you want an American patriotic flavor, feed it either flags or politicians.

The fifth is yogurt. You stir the yogurt until it becomes liquid. Then you stir it more. It becomes a gas. Finally, it becomes the mysterious fourth stage of matter—plasma! Then you can use the yogurt to power your spaceship and fly away away away.

Yogurt is a useful spaceship fuel because it can grow itself from cultures. It is renewable. It is technically a disease that grows in bad milk, just like privilege and necrolactophilia. (Necrolactophilia is a disease that makes you drink bad milk even though it’s bad. You also offer it to your friends! It is very insidious and does not receive enough media attention.)

It is hard to top yogurt. Except with butterscotch. You can top anything with butterscotch. Or a small cherry. Or both. Even Vice-Presidents! It’s not kinky if it brings in donations.

It is not the American way to eat our politicians. (We can feed them to otters, but otters are not citizens. That’s the important difference!) On Japanese game shows, though, eating politicians happens all the time. “Bite Into Cheney” is a fabulous show. Because they do not actually own Cheney, they must use a body double, but that is okay. They also eat other things like pound cake and live eels and those candy boulders used in old Star Trek shows. It’s no good to serve Cheney’s body double every time—people would catch on! “Hey,” they’d say. “Shouldn’t he be used up by now?” Then they’d storm the media center and get answers. They’d have torches! Nobody wants that. So the show varies its menu!

The candy boulders are the tastiest. Even more than live eels! They’re strange cotton candy genetically engineered to survive the rigors and hazards of the Paramount shooting set. Some people say that genetically engineered food is bad because it might infect the general population of that food. But Paramount can get away with it because natural boulders are not even edible. Also, Paramount has deep pockets and many lawyers.

The candy boulders are also big. You can step into them and hide. When Shatner walks by, you can spring out and say, “Surprise, William Shatner! I am your dark mirror universe double who lives in a cotton candy boulder!” This would confuse him. That’s when you strike!

It is most important, when hiding in cotton candy boulders, not to accidentally get into one of the fireballs. When just laying around in the Paramount lot, the atomic fireball candy used for photon torpedoes looks a lot like the boulder candy. But it is very spicy. In that episode where a Klingon tried to eat the photon torpedo to keep it from his ship, you could see it in his face. That’s spicy! His eyes watered. He couldn’t even talk! It fills the heart with sympathy for the glorious Klingon cause.

In the later series, they toned all of that down. The rocks were made of sugar substitute. The atomic fireballs were more on the ‘mm, pancakes!’ level of spiciness. Captain Kirk was old and bald and French. It was very confusing, but it did promote a certain sense of evolution.

“Tea!” he would say. “Earl Grey! Hot!”

Later, he taught the ship how to make bread, and otter pops, and yogurt, and even Cheney with butterscotch.

It wasn’t partisan. He didn’t support Kerry! He wasn’t even a Nader man. It’s just that no one ever remembers the Vice-President who came after Cheney. He’s too forgettable!