Compromises with Hell¹

Posted on March 13, 2004 by Jenna

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1 must be conversant with Star Trek, Chinese Hells, the infinite compassion of Kwan-Yin, and the custom of burning “hell money” to give dead relatives something to spend.

Captain Kirk dies. He goes before the implacable Yama Kings. They abandon him to endless torment in the Hell of Flayed Klingons. There he must face off against a gentle bodhisattva in a battle only one of them can survive.

“KWAN!” he shouts. Then “YIN!”

Her infinite compassion cannot resist his double-fisted punch. His loyal servant, Spock, infiltrates the court of the Yama Kings and administers the Vulcan neck pinch. Soon unconscious Yama Kings litter the floor. Kirk and a horde of demons escape into the mortal realm. There’s only one recourse for the Federation: burning hell money to appease the demons. With tenacious courage, they return to a capitalist economy and set their phasers to “SACRIFICE”. As the first wave of demons assaults Federation Stronghold Coppercorn, the Organians make their move.

“Hostilities must cease,” boom the Organians. “You inferior races must learn to tolerate and work with the fiendish minions of Hell.”

“Compromises with Hell are scary,” the Federation leaders admit.