Career Counseling

Posted on December 17, 2004 by Jenna

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The ideal job for a peanut is airline pilot. That is why they send so many on flights. It’s not for eating—it’s for training! The mortality rate is very high. But the peanuts that survive are legends.

The ideal job for a cashew is a cashier. Their ideal jobs have nothing to do with shoes. That would be a misspelling! Nobody likes those. So cashews eschew shoes. They don’t even use them for walking!

The ideal job for a walnut is thinking. They’re not much for implementation. They’re not go-getters! But they can see the big picture. People used to disparage walnut intellect. That’s why they’re so wrinkly. It’s so that you can recognize their brainmeat! It’s an impressive norm-defying fashion statement!

The ideal job for brazil nuts is acting in surreal movies. You might not know this, but every actor in Brazil was actually a brazil nut. Even Mr. Broadbent! This was also true for Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Benny & Joon, and Chocolat.

The ideal job for macadamia nuts is Bible scholarship. They are experts in Macabees! It’s an unusual book to study but that just makes their brilliance even more exotic. “Et nunc frequentate dies scenophegiae mensis casleu,” drone the macadamia nuts in magnificent Latin. How can you resist such somber majesty?

The ideal job for a pistachio is pistol-whipping. Nobody pistol-whips like a pistachio. That’s why it’s a bad idea to give them guns unless you want people getting hurt.

The ideal job for a beechnut is pedant. There’s no linguistic reason for it. It’s not like you can get there by some circuitous path. But they have a natural aptitude for it. If you want to make an error around a beechnut, you can be sure that the beechnut will point it out. That’s why you should pop the beechnut in your mouth first and chew for all you’re worth!

But not with your mouth open. That would be wrong.