(Audience) The Rabbit is Red

Posted on April 22, 2006 by Jenna

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Delicious Strawberry Qwik has no rival— not anywhere on the Earth!

Pirate captains who find Strawberry Qwik in ancient treasure chests are generally delighted.

“Yo ho ho,” they say, delightedly.

They like killing and rapine and drinking delicious Strawberry Qwik. These are the brutal tastes of savage men who hath never learned compassion.

The rabbit of Strawberry Qwik is red.

Sometimes they will see him hunting on the seas. He is considered a bad omen. The Qwik is delicious but the rabbit is fatal.

He can take on a shark.

He can take on the orca.

Only against the great squids is the rabbit hesitant to strive.

There was a pirate once who made a bargain with the Devil in exchange for a glass of delicious Strawberry Qwik.

His choice was not entirely indefensible because he was a Papist and if Jack Chick is to be trusted—

And who is there in the pirate world who does not trust Jack Chick?

— he was already in the Devil’s hands.

Yet when the glass was empty and he was in that space of Tomorrow Men who curse the choices of their Yesterday Selves, and groaning,

“Who was I then to sacrifice my future soul for a glass of Qwik so quickly gone?”

He fled.

The rabbit followed him. It’s not the Devil— that would make the chocolate Qwik bunny God, and as we all know that honor is reserved for Captain Crunch alone—

But it followed him.

Everywhere he fled on his peg leg and with his red Qwik moustache, he could find no sanctuary; and the people would say to him, “Are you the pirate who sold his soul for Qwik, now fleeing the terrible red rabbit?”

And he would say, “Arr.”

And grimly they would prophesy, “Hippity, hoppity, your fate is on its way.”

And so, looking hunted, he would run on.

On his path he passed some gay couples who were totally ordinary, because it’s blog against heteronormativity day. He just kind of fled past them, so you might be tempted to think, “Wow, they’re getting short shrift here.” However, before you do so, you should compare them to our lusty heterosexual pirate who is a murderer and a thief who has sold his soul in exchange for some strawberry Qwik and been forced to flee a small red rabbit across the moors. Frankly if he is the standard-bearer of heterosexual masculinity we would all be well-served to become lesbians.

Anyway, now that we have satisfied the requirements of blog against heteronormativity day and need no longer worry about sexuality, the fleeing pirate found his way to a monastery where an order of chaste and holy Christian monks took him in.

But the rabbit found him; and what happened then we do not know.