Admonitions for Hungry Divers

Posted on August 20, 2004 by Jenna

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It is common in this degenerate age for hedonistic tourists to combine extreme diving with gustatory satisfaction, often trailing a cloud of hooked fishing lines behind them as they explore the ruins of sunken ships. In a spirit of public service, Mrs. Parvati Schiff has assembled these “Ten Cogent Suggestions” for safe and enjoyable culinary diving.


Use common sense. If jellyfish stings send you into anaphylactic shock, restrict yourself to devouring the bloated gasbag.


Zombie pirates are not a main course. If you must indulge, slice them thinly and serve them on minitoast as an hors d’oeuvre.


Do not attempt to eat a live great white shark, particularly not while recovering from the stresses of your dive in a bath of luxurious blood-based broth.


Remember: many species of whale are “endangered.”


Don’t be gluttonous! Leave some of the Great Coral Reef for other hungry divers.


Atlantean nobility are prone to many communicable diseases. If you must eat one, verify that there are no electric eels, giant octopi or squids, whales, seagulls, or huge seahorse-mounts inside your kitchen. Then, cook at a high temperature.


Do not eat one enormous octopus tentacle without first verifying the location of the other seven.


Pufferfish can expand to fifty times their original size. Always check whether your recipe refers to bloated or shrunken pufferfish before mixing ingredients.


Real life singing crabs are limited to an operatic repertoire. If your target crab begins to sing something to the effect of how life is better under the sea, you are suffering from oxygen toxicity.


If you accidentally hook an icthyosaur, do not eat it. Report it to the nearest marine authority at once; icthyosaurs are notorious criminals and ruffians.