A Brief Explanation of Werewolves

Posted on August 24, 2004 by Jenna

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Werewolves are humans who are topologically isomorphic to wolves. This means that they can easily fold themselves into the shape of a wolf when exposed to moonlight or strong emotions.

Werewaffles are humans who are topologically isomorphic to waffles. This means that they can easily fold themselves into the shape of a waffle when exposed to syrup.

Syrup comes from werewolves. If you tap a werewolf, you get syrup. This syrup allows werewaffles to transform. Tapping werewaffles produces strong emotions. It also produces moonlight. There is a factory on the moon that does nothing but hunt down human werewaffles, kidnap them into outer space, and tap them for moonlight. When they run out of werewaffles, they have to steal cows. That’s why so many mutilated cows turn up in the Midwest—it’s the favorite spot for bootlegging moonlight heifers.

As the moonlight bleeds out of a werewaffle, it deflates. This changes its fundamental topology. At the “Vickrey point,” also known as the “wolf-waffle threshold,” the topology changes; the underlying human is now topologically isomorphic to a wolf.

Creating a werewaffle is more difficult. A werewolf who wishes to become a werewaffle must eat sufficient waffles to cross the wolf-waffle threshold from the other side. This is difficult because waffles are most delicious with syrup. In order to obtain syrup, a werewolf is naturally tempted to put him or herself on tap. The Vickrey point recedes even as it approaches: the werewolf is caught in an endless loop known as Gelley-Klimpson equilibrium or “the grand cycle of life.” Enraged by the futility of it all, the werewolf often resorts to destroying small New England towns. New England towns are otherwise irrelevant to our narrative.